HUMEROUS QUOTES

"But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"

Bette Midler

Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."

Al Franken

"Of all the 36 alternatives, running away is best."

Chinese Proverb

"Be yourself, is about the worst advice you can give to some people".

Tom Masson

"If you want people to think you're wise, just agree with them."

Leo Roston

"The longer the title, the less important is the job."

George Mcgovern

"Failure is the only thing I have ever been successful at."

Bob Hope

"The average person thinks he isn't".

Larry Lorenzoni

"Love conquers all things, except poverty and toothache".

Mae West

"Not everybody hates me. Only the people who have met me".

Emo Philips

"We are all worms. But I do believe that I am a Glow-worm."

Winston Churchill

"No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating just one peanut".

Channing Pollock

"People in a temper often say a lot of things that they really mean".

Penelope Gilliat

"If the universe is expanding, why can I never find a parking space?"

Woody Allen

"Only two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity - and I'm not sure about the former."

Albert Einstein

Scientists have discovered a noise that was made at the moment of the Big Bang that sounds something like - 'oops'!" Cully Abrell

"I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce is actually fattening".

Erma Bombeck

"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are made up entirely of lost airline baggage."

Mark Russell

"It's a good thing we have gravity, otherwise when birds die they would just stay up there".

Steve Wright

"Giving money and power to politicians is like giving whiskey and car keys to 15 year old boys".

P.J. O'Rourke

"War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left".

Bertrand Russell

"The quickest way to make a million is to start your own religion".

L. Ron Hubbard

"After death, everyone smells the same".

Italian proverb

"I started out with nothing and I've still got most of it left". 

Groucho Marx

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed".

Sean O' Casey

"The world is like a safe, to which there is a key, but the key is locked inside the safe"'

Peter De Vries

"Life is a cement trampoline".

Harold Nordberg

"Life is a whim of several billion atoms who decide to be you for a while".

Anon

"People will believe anything if you whisper it".

Karl Kraus

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish". Timothy Jones

"If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I'll come back as me".

Rodney Trotter (TV show - Only Fools and Horses)

"If triangles invented god, he would have 3 sides".

Baron De Montequieu

"I will live forever - or die trying".

Joseph Heller

"Maybe this world is another world's hell".

Aldous Huxley

"Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die".

Martin Fischer

"Never go to a doctor whos office plants have died". 

Erma Bombek

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs".

Lily Tomlin

"Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin".

P. G. Wodehouse

"Why is it that all the things I enjoy eating have been proven to cause tumours in white mice?"

Robert Benchley

"Health food makes me feel sick!"

Calvin Trillin

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants".

A. W. Brown

"My idea of excersize is a good brisk sit down".

Phyllis Diller

"Did anyone ever have a boring dream?"

Ralph Hodgson

"The older you get, the better you get - unless you're a banana".

Ross Noble

"Death: To stop sinning suddenly".

Elbert Hubbard

"Suicide is a person's way of telling god - you can't fire me, I quit!"

Bill Maher 

"Common sense is not so common".

Voltaire

"I'm a misunderstood genius. Nobody understands that I'm a genius".

Calvin and Hobbes

"A philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight, looking for a black cat that isn't there".

Anon

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence".

Steve Landesberg

"We are all born mad. Some remain so"'.

Samuel Beckett

"I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial - which was a lot cheaper!"'

Robin Greenspan

"Of all the things I've ever lost, the thing I miss most is my mind"

Mark Twain

"One psychiatrist I know uses shock treatment. He gives you his bill in advance".

Harry Hershfield

"The early bird may catch the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese".

John Hammond

"Sometimes I lie awake at night and think 'where have I gone wrong?' - and a voice says to me 'this is going to take more than one night to answer'". Charlie Brown

"Everything was going just right for him - and then he was born".

Victor Borge

"If it weren't for bad luck - I wouldn't have any luck at all".

Dick Gregory

"We must believe in luck - for how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"

Jean Cocteau

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally".

W. C. Fields

"Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself".

Rita Mae Brown

"Happiness is the agreeable sensation which arises from contemplating the misery of others".

Ambrose Bierce

"Some cause happiness wherever they go - others, whenever they go".

Oscar Wilde

"Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising".

John Lahr

"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say".

Marshall Mcluhan

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die".

Malachy McCourt

"I have won every argument I have ever had with myself".

William Feather

"I used to be indecisive - but now I'm not so sure".

Boscoe Pertwee

"If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect".

Ted Turner

"My dad used to say 'Always fight fire with fire' - that's probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade".

Harry Hill

"All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work".

Sergeant Bilko (TV character)

"He did nothing in particular, but he did it very well".

W. S. Gilbert

"The trouble with the 'rat race' is that even if you win - you're still a rat".

Lily Tomlin

"If at first you don't succeed - cheat!"

Red Buttons

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize".

Denis Leary

"How beautiful it is to do nothing - and then rest afterwards"'

Spanish proverb

"In order to look as though the music you are playing is difficult - make faces"

Vladimir Horowitz

"A song always contains words too stupid to be spoken"

Pierre De Beaumarchais

"I always read the last page of a book first, so that if I die before I finish, I will know how it turned out". 

Nora Ephron